I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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