The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
