also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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