Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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