Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I could make wine with my vomit
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
