Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
