Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
