Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
