she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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