I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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