I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
