I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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