I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
