He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
