well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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