I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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