Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
