Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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