Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
