my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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