i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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