Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
