Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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