So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
