im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
