you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
