I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
