You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
