sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
