if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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