frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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