She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
