I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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