i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The Olympian is in my bed
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