The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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