i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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