She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
