Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
