So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
why do cheetos always look like penises
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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