she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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