I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
