I cannot find my penis.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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