dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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