Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
