Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
