apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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