Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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