Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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