apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
