You can't special order awesome
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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