Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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