..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
