let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
