Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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