Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
