i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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